mariluna.musings

Being home after a two month stay in Austria has been a little tougher than I expected. I realized every warm moment spent with friends and family is accompanied with a slight ache. I catch myself smiling at my mother while she knits or picking up my small dog multiple times a day just so I don’t forget what her fur feels like. I’m enjoying my days but my brain is not free of knowing how little time I have left in California. Being back brought little bit of myself back too.

I landed on a Tuesday night and almost cried when I walked back into my room. My paintings were still on the walls and my favorite candle was in its spot next to my bookshelf. It still felt like me in this room, an identity I was dampening down in Austria.

Social constructs are a bit different there. Though I feel very safe, I’m less likely to strike up conversation with other pool players or climbers at the gym. I simply don’t get the same social cues that I would expect. Adding that I’m not quite as confident speaking in German as I am in English, all in all makes social connections harder. I love living in Linz and feel incredibly lucky to be exploring and learning with my partner, but what is staying in California is equally precious. Being home reminds me of who I am, the people and places I love, and how much I have to give.

I recently connected with an old friend, someone who has known me for years. It was beautiful. I don’t know if I can encapsulate how life affirming it is to see yourself in your friends eyes. Being so very loved, warts and all, is pretty heckin nice. I’m a very lucky lady.

I’ll board my flight next week accepting that while it might be scary it’s worth the squeeze to bring my full self and embrace the challenge fully. And when I’m feeling homesick I’ll try to remember that the ache is just love with no where to go.

Thinking of Margery while writing. Thank you for reading ❤